Matt's experience

Matt’s story

Bipolar moved into my life many years ago now and it has become an integral part of who I am today.

Bipolar disorder was known as manic depression years ago, although some still use the term today, incorrectly in my opinion.  It does contain parts of mania and depression. But it is much more than mood swings.

I had been diagnosed with depression but in 2012, it started to become evident to those closest to me that something more was happening. I become more and more manic. I was so high that I thought I was like superman, which in itself can sound marvellous, who doesn’t want to be a superhero? But this was dangerous. My aversion to risk vanished. Spending. Drinking. Crossing the road. Nothing could touch me.

I realised that something was wrong as I could no longer control many of my emotions. I have always been a passionate person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. That will never change, but this was 50 times more excitable. I couldn’t stop myself. Anger would come out in rage and in a verbal manner.

Added to that, I could say things, do things, yet soon after and the next day, not even know what I had done. I can only describe this as being like a bad dream, expect for the actions on a dream are just that - a dream. But this was real.

I have shouted at family and friends. Horrible things said. I am lucky that they have been able to forgive and understand and not judge me. But it doesn’t always work out that way. 

During lockdown, I had a terrible two days of mania. I shouted, yelled, screamed at people near to where I live. It must have been horrific to witness. I know it was because I have been told, but I cannot remember it. Little bits, but mostly I can’t. I see those people most days. They have never spoken to me since and I don’t blame them. But knowing that some will judge based on something that happened when I was extremely ill - I am talking about nearly sectioned levels of illness - is hard to take.

It’s frightening to think that could happen. And I live with that fear every single day of my life. I wish it would go away – through counselling, CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and other avenues, I have never got passed that incident.

Thankfully I have since learned so much more about the condition and how it affects me. What triggers me and how to identify that. Along with my medication - I manage it better now than I did. 

But I still feel incredible sadness that some think that is me. In many ways it’s the opposite of me but I have to accept that it is with me and lives within me.

I keep a mood diary to track my moods.

• 0 is a level day
• ‘+1’ and ‘+2’ is an elevated mood and whilst nothing to be too worried about, it is worth keeping a watchful eye on
• +3 is time to start thinking about taking steps to stay calm
• +4 we are in the danger zone
• +5 we are into dangerous levels of mania

On the other end of the mood diary is the minus scale:

• - 1 and -2 are a lower mood but again nothing too concerning.
• -3 is time to take notice 
• -4 and -5 are danger zones.

For me, -4 and -5 is deep depression and sometimes suicidal thoughts. I struggle to move, I feel physical pains in my stomach, legs, neck and back.

When I was taken to hospital in 2018, I was not sectioned [detained in hospital under the Mental Health Act] and attended voluntarily, the crisis nurse told me that I was at danger of accidental death. What is that I hear you ask? We asked the same! Basically, it’s that risk aversion I mentioned earlier. Not seeing risk puts me at danger. Suicide is something that has touched my life more than once.

Losing a dear friend and my own attempts as well. It’s a topic I talk about, and I want to help ensure suicide rates are decreased.

Showering feels like the most abhorrent thing to do and getting out of bed is almost impossible - that’s how it feels. It is as if someone has taken my skeleton and taken the bones and turned into lead.

The physical effects are profound so never let anyone tell you that mental illness is all in the head. That is a huge misrepresentation and a stigma that needs to be removed.

So, feeling ecstatically high, incredibly low and losing control are all aspects of bipolar living with me that are frightening, upsetting, terrifying and at times too much to bare.

Yet having bipolar in my life has also meant many great things. Many positives.

I have become an active and passionate mental health advocate - I write most weeks in my employers’ staff newsletter about mental wellbeing. I have attended small local festivals and talked about my experiences. I have written on my own website about my experiences as well as sharing ideas for keeping well.

I believe that I have made incredible progress in the last five years in particular. The number of episodes I have, has reduced in general. The gap between episodes continues, in general, to get longer. That takes hard work and it also takes a lot of energy.

As I write this, I am off work. I don’t want to be, but I need to be. I need to recover. It can be tiring and knowing when to say - ‘sorry I need to stop for a while’ is vital to keeping well. I see every week that I complete at work as a success. A huge success. It may not sound a lot to some, but for me and millions of others, that success is really important to our very survival.

In 2022, I had my first book of poems published. That was a fabulous feeling, and I am so grateful that people even bought copies as well! To know that people do want to read and hear my words is important to me. Some won’t and that’s fine as well.

Having bipolar live with me is not easy. It never will be. But I keep learning. I keep working hard and I keep being the very best person I can be and that also means being the most passionate and compassionate mental health advocate that I can be. 

I will never stop talking and I will always be there for anyone who wants to talk to me about bipolar and mental illness.

In addition to the bipolar, I have also just had it confirmed that I am also autistic. This hasn’t come as huge surprise, but it has come as an additional pressure and means I need to focus even more on how I manage my life. How I manage what I do, when I do it. I won’t go onto the across now as it’s a very recent diagnosis and I have not yet got my head fully round it.

Thank you for reading, thank you for listening and please, if you feel that you are struggling with your mental health, don’t wait, don’t deal with it alone.

I send positive thoughts and blessings to you all.

Matt Jarvis